Can't Get To Sleep

Rated G

A Chakotay POV- After Endgame

It’s 0200, I’m wide awake, and I have been lying in this bed beside a woman I’ve realized I don’t truly love. She is not my soul mate, just a lover, yet I have plans to marry her. Why?

It’s been like this for several nights in a row and I’ve tried everything to get some sleep, warm milk, herbal tea, even a neuro suppressant, yet I still can’t sleep.

Did the doctor give me a placebo? Or does a lovesick mind override anything that induces sleep?

Today, the fourth day of lack of sleep, I went to see the doctor. He asked me what was keeping me awake at night. I couldn’t tell him or rather, I wouldn’t tell him, but I do know. Heartache. Pure and simple heartache, but I can’t tell anyone about it. Except one person, but I doubt she wants to hear what I have to say anymore, because I broke her heart.

I saw Kathryn today. She didn’t look well nor did she seem like herself. She was pale and thin. If I didn’t know her better, I’d say she was sick. Thing is, she is sick. Lovesick to be exact, just like me. Oh, she’d never admit it, but I know her better than anyone.

I’ve decided to marry Seven, and Kathryn has made herself sick because of it, but she was the one who decided not to pursue a relationship. Now it is apparent she has regretted that decision.

I wonder if she lies awake at night as I do. Is she also unable to sleep due to an ache deep inside her heart? Do I haunt her memory as she does mine? Do I pervade her thoughts every waking moment?

When I spoke to her today, she seemed distant, as though she were trying to avoid the moment. I know her too well, though. I could tell she was once again trying to push every feeling she has for me down into a well, a well she will never find the bottom of, just as I can’t find it. I don’t believe there is any way we could find the bottom of the well to rid ourselves of these feelings.

I still love Kathryn. I always have and always will. I’ve made a mistake. I must call off this marriage to Seven, but how do I tell Kathryn I want her?

How can any of us go on this way? Seven is not right for me. I know this, yet we are planning on getting married in a few months. Can I call this off? Can I risk breaking Seven’s heart? Will Kathryn take me back?

Does a former drone really know how to love someone, or is she just going through the motions? Am I doing this to hurt Kathryn? If so, why? What did she ever do to deserve this pain?

I can’t continue to hurt Kathryn this way. Will she listen to me? Will she ever forgive me and give me another chance? Did she ever give me a first chance? I can’t remember anymore, because it seems like I have loved her since the day we met.

I can’t get to sleep tonight. No matter how I try or what I do, I just can’t get Kathryn off my mind. She is so lonely, angry, and depressed. I could see it in her behaviour when I saw her today and I was the one who caused those feelings.

I need Kathryn and she needs me. I made a promise to her long ago and now I have broken that promise. Can she ever forgive me?

Obviously, it is not over between us, because if it were, neither of us would be suffering as we are. I have to find my way back to Kathryn. We both have to find our way back to each other’s hearts, but we also have to be willing to travel that road again.

Will Kathryn forgive me and take me back if I end this with Seven? I certainly hope so, because I can’t live another day without Kathryn. I love her so much and I will love her until the day I die.

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