Should We, Should We Not?

Another challenge from the Imzadi All group.

He was so playful in the office this morning. Feelings from long ago have been stirred in me since we've arrived at the Briar Patch. Gods, how I love him! Or is it pure infatuation? Is it his blue eyes, his beard, his smile? No, it goes far deeper than the external. It's everything on the inside that I love about him. Even I know as a counselor, a relationship based purely on the physical usually doesn't survive for very long. It's more than that. Our relationship has survived hurt, pain, each others irratating ideosyncracies. It's survived distance and stressful careers. It's survived time.

I've been fooling myself. We're more than just friends. Have been for a long time. Our friends have seen that and even total complete strangers have seen there is a special bond between us. Cochren from the twenty-first century saw we had something special. And everyone has encouraged us to take the next step and they have nothing to gain from it! So why am I so afraid to take the next step?

I love him. I truly do. I love his personality, his playfulness and his kisses send me to heaven and back. His caring loving spirit. Everything that is on the inside of him. I just wish I knew how to tell him, but is it the Briar Patch that's stirring these feelings or is it real feelings surfacing and the Briar Patch is just pointing them out? Just like everybody else has. I really don't know, but he makes me feel whole and complete. He makes me happy. He makes me feel Oh, so good!

So how do I tell him? I'm so scared to verbalize it to him. Maybe I should take a page out of my own book. What I tell my patients when they can't say in words aloud, that they would like to say. I tell them to write their feelings, but what do I say? How do I say it? Maybe I should just write and allow myself to bare my soul. If I don't tell him I may loose him forever. I really don't want that either.

Well, I'll just sit down and start writing. Where's a padd so I can write this down. Oh, here's one.

My dearest Imzadi,

I find it so hard to tell you what I so much want to say to you. So I'm writing it down and I hope I don't make a total fool of myself, but I do love you so very dearly and very deeply. I want to try and build a future together. I want us to be together. I want to be with you.

I've just been so scare of being hurt again, that I've been fooling myself into thinking we are just friends and pushing you away. I don't know what it is that has made me feel this way of late, but I do. It could be just the Briar Patch and these feeling will disappate after we leave. Who knows. Or maybe, I am finally acknowledging what is obvious to everyone who has ever known us. Whatever it is I am now willing to find out.

I'm willing to take the risk of pain and hurt again, no matter the price. I am willing to move beyond our false pretence of friendship and take the next step and every step beyond that. That is, if you are willing still? I do pray to the gods you still are. Yes, I know you are. I can sense that and I really shouldn't have to ask.

You have said for the longest time that you want more. You've never back down on that, even though deep inside you are very scared of the possibilities. I am willing to give more and I too want more. I am so sorry I've pushed you away all this time and I do hope you forgive me and excuse my fear of being hurt again. But now, I'm willing to take that chance with you.

You have always been my Imzadi and always will be. I want to make our relationship grow and flourish. I'm willing to let whatever maybe be. After you have read this letter, please meet me in the holodeck. I have something special in mind for tonight.

Your Imzadi,

Deanna